Dear Self,

This is a letter to remind you who you are, what you want, and what you're worth. Why the reminder? Because you've forgotten. You've avoided looking at yourself and focused only on the peripheral things in your life, the fuzzy details that are more fun to think about than your actual life. Get a grip, or your life will pass you by as it has for years.

First of all, stop wishing your life could be like the movies. It's better to live your own life and experience things yourself than dream about the images flashing in front of your face. Reality has more depth, more meaning, and more value. Even Gone With the Wind cannot come close to the story of our lives, filled with real people, tastes, smells, and touches. Movies last for a certain amount of minutes. Life lasts for a certain amount of years. After that, there are the lives of those you touch, and that exists forever.

That brings me to my next point: make the connections worth making. I'm not talking about networking to move ahead, but rather about those you chose as your confidants. Recently, you evicted someone out of your life for abusing you, as many have done before. You tend not to see this in the people you've loved, because once they're in your heart, you force them to stay. Let go of those who tax you, the ones who suck your emotional strength dry and give nothing back to you. If you must forget them completely to heal, do so. In time you will recall the fonder times you shared, and it will warm you rather than sting.

You said you learned one thing from him: independence. It was a lie until now. When have you ever been happy doing your own thing, being single, and unafraid to envision your life outside of college without a man? When you find someone, it will be a man who wants to share your passions with you, and will support you as yourself, not just as his girlfriend. You won't be insecure, and you won't be scared of losing him. The former "he" showed you the need for independence, but you didn't learn this lesson until it was too late, and you suffered dearly for it. I hope you don't repeat this, and someday you will have the vision to be the same, with or without a plus one.

Don't let go of your dreams. Never, ever let someone discourage you and tell you that it's impossible, including yourself. Whatever you want to happen you can make happen. What you want you can get. Take the time, be patient, and be resourceful. Do not give up. Don't fear change or dreaming big; don't fear seeing something through. Your life is yours for the living.

Most of all, love yourself. There is no one in the world who can love you if you don't love the person you are.

Love,
You.

~KelC~

I apologize for this entry... but I'm venting here because I need to. As a disclaimer, this has nothing to do with any of my friends or people they know.

BASTARD. Since when is it ok for you to destroy other people's lives and then leave like nothing happened? And just when things are getting to be ok, the heart is mending, WHY do you have to come back and mess everything up?! When you abolutely shatter someone's life, try to take what means most to them, and then abandon your responsibilities, DO NOT GO BACK. You're just going to make things worse, and making the first cut even deeper. How can you be that selfish? You are not the only person in the world that is affected by your actions. Think about others, just THINK! All people have value and worth, so be decent and leave your sorry ass out of their lives. Everyone would be better off if you just fell off the earth. You should be in jail.

You guys may think I'm being over dramatic, but if you knew how bad this situation is, you would understand.

~KelC~

That is all... enjoy.

~KelC~

Currently Watching Say Anything... By John Cusack, Ione Skye see related

"If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise."
~Lloyd, Say Anything

I was watching 'Say Anything' tonight and I remembered something... I thought about my life when I was in high school, and who I was, and where I was going. I could be classy and sophisticated as well as laid back and fun. I would go to classical concerts and socialize with cultured people. I could be goofy and comfortable. I miss that a lot. I was someone different, and I liked that person. Now I've changed for the worse. Where have I gone? I think I lost myself somewhere with my first break up, another relationship, losing trust in people, the parties, classes, and living up here in general. I've been ruined. I only hope that I can go back. How do I get back to being the person that I was when so many things have hardened my heart so much? Ugh. Yeah, my entries have been kind of depressing, sorry... Thanksgiving break really can't come soon enough. I'll be in Stillwater on Friday and possibly stay over on Saturday night too, then I'll be home on Sunday till I think Tuesday or Wednesday. Then it's going to Mississippi to see the family, and driving back to Missouri on Saturday or Sunday, not sure yet...

Is it bad that I still think seriously about leaving here?

~KelC~